


Excerpts from the Estwald Journals

by KickAir 8P (KickAir8P)



Category: The Gods Themselves - Isaac Asimov
Genre: 1972, Gen, Isaac Asimov - Freeform, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-09
Updated: 2011-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-14 14:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KickAir8P/pseuds/KickAir%208P
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More and more, I'm remembering being Dua.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Either I temporarily acquired both the incredible chutzpah to write fanfic from [Asimov's The Gods Themselves](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gods_Themselves) (beta-less, even!) and an Estwald Muse, or, thanks to the quantum instability caused by [Rabbit Hole Day](http://crisper.livejournal.com/73274.html), my blog was taken over by an extra-universal alien. Guess which explanation I'm going with!
> 
> By way of a disclaimer, please note that: a) I have no money (especially not from this!), so it's non-productive to sue me, b) I make no claim to owning Asimov's "The Gods Themselves", and c) I'm not going to admit to writing it.
> 
> Also, had I written and/or posted it, I would have given major spoiler warnings for a couple of the plot twists. But I didn't, so I couldn't.

More and more, I'm remembering being Dua.

Why? I am Estwald. I am a Hard One. "The Hard mind is the Rational mind." I remember being Odeen, which is as it should be. All I have left of Tritt is instinct, the un-assuaged longing that has led me to check on Derala far more often than is seemly. And it was Dua's soul that shouted in triumph when the latest tests on the material from the other universe showed that the nuclear force there had stabilized. There would be no exploding sun in that strange place, no life-giving flood of energy to revitalize our race. Our own sun would continue to cool, the "merciful" cullings of failed Triads and the "excess" younglings would continue to be necessary, and our population would continue to drop until it could be sustained solely by the amount of energy the unknowable beings chose to give us. The beings who we tried to annihilate. The beings who took Dua's warning, fixed the problem, and offered no recriminations. The beings who we had drastically underestimated.

That Dua's savage joy could still touch me was also somewhat normal, although it's not considered wise to pay much heed to such vestiges. But not the rest, not memories themselves, seeping up to disturb my nights. Had Odeen's worries been borne out? Was my Resolution, forced by the crisis of Dua's defection, imperfect?

Almost as disturbing as the remembering itself is the contents of the memories, the staggering achievements of my "Left-Em" predecessor spread out before my mind's eye. That she had nearly pre-empted Odeen's role in her speculations on the nature of the relationship between those Soft and Hard, this was known, and only the flaws in her conclusions had saved us from untold disaster. But she had not, as was originally speculated, figured out the other-beings' communications on her own. She had, without realizing the source of her insight, tapped into **_my_** knowledge of the symbols, and then continued in her understanding past what I myself had been able to achieve in the limited time then available to me.

I must speak with someone, but...already, potential matches for Edarn and Torun have been proposed to me, and there's talk of who among the young Rationals will test well enough to be worthy of Derala, my precious, precocious little-mid. If I'm found to be damaged by the very combination that produced my genius, would this cast a shadow on the chances of my younglings? Or just on Derala -- what might be insisted upon to insure that she'd have no chance to endanger the Resolution of a Triad?

I will speak of this with Losten first. Together, we'll think this through.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I am appalled by the arrogance of my race.

Once again, I am appalled by the arrogance of my race.

I remember the first time I felt such, after my Resolution when I was granted full access to the libraries. All was going well with the project, and was indulging myself by perusing non-critical subjects. A history record labeled "The Scourging" told of the time when our population was large, and the crisis that faced us was not the lack of light from the sun but the lack of area to absorb it. Emotionals basked in every space that was not already taken up by other life-forms.

Yes, we had once shared our world with other life. But no more. For, faced with the choice of culling the Soft Ones to prevent overpopulation, or destroying the "lesser" life that competed for the light...the record made it sound so easy, so obvious. Regrettable, but surely a minor offense compared to the horrible crime of culling.

Back then, when culling was a crime.

That was the first time that Dua rose up in me, for I felt her rage. As I now feel it again.

It was a perfect solution, one that would not only allow for the continued formation of highly intelligent Triads, but might even produce Hard Ones with greater gifts that my own. For although it was through Dua's brilliance combining with Odeen's that my own intellect came to be, it was solely her **_ability_** that I gained -- my **_education_** was Odeen's alone. And as easily as if the memory were Odeen's, I remember Dua's sense of outrage that she had been denied an education simply because she was a Mid. I shared that outrage myself -- how much more could I have accomplished by now, if I had come to consciousness with even half-again the knowledge that Odeen had been able to absorb?

We need only choose those Emotionals who we already know would benefit -- although a certain stigmatization was inevitable, the pursuit of knowledge would be some consolation to those already destined to bear the label "Left-Em". Aside from the possible benefits to the Hard-Ones-to-be, educating intelligent Mids would allow us to guide them, and keep them distracted from the kind of mischief that Dua had found to occupy herself.

Yet this plan has been deemed unworkable simply because it has never been done! Even Losten balked. And several of those whose support of the Positron Pump Project was reluctant at best have suggested that the failure of the other-universe sun to explode as projected is linked to the "failure" of my Resolution! That the yields from the Pump are not as high as expected does not change the fact that yield it does, and it has produced the only hope our species has of survival. They can no more explain the discrepancy than I can---


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have been an idiot.

I have been an idiot.

The nuclear force in the other universe **_had_** been strengthening due to the influx of material from our universe, matching exactly the reciprocal weakening here. That strengthening is no longer taking place. The weakening of the nuclear force in **_our_** universe is still happening. Yet the forces **_must_** balance -- there is no possible way it can be otherwise.

Except one.

The other-beings must have established another Pump, one that allowed them to exchange matter with a universe having an even weaker nuclear force, therefor balancing the effects and causing the otherwise inexplicable stability. But the odds of them establishing contact with another extra-universal civilization is nearly nonexistent -- far more likely that they're tapping a universe with a nuclear force so weak that the entire universe is filled with matter, thus negating the need for an exchange. Just punch through anywhere, and extra-universal matter would flow through for the taking.

It was much like what we'd eventually hoped to have with their universe -- the power from their exploding sun would have made cooperative material exchange unnecessary, the energy would've simply forced its way through the opening once used by the Pump. It was with this thought that the true level of my stupidity was made manifest: What the other-beings had done in finding a universe suited to their needs we could just as easily do. And even better, rather then finding a universe of extremely weak nuclear force, which would cool our sun even further, we could find a universe with a nuclear force so strong that the whole place was in a higher-energy state than even the stellar explosion we had tried to create -- just punch through anywhere, and extra-universal energy would flow through for the taking. And, just as a side effect, our own sun would last longer! I could have done this at the beginning, if I hadn't just gone along with the plan that had been conceived already.

I would tell the others this, and once it worked they'd have to listen about the Mids...wouldn't they? Or would they? My mental competence isn't really the issue. They don't want to educate even a few of the Mids because it's never been done. Wiping out a whole other civilization is infinitely less frightening than changing our own, even a little bit. They'll never---

I remember being Tritt, I remember stealing the "food ball", I remember doing it because I wanted my little mid. I was terrified, but I did it anyway, because otherwise there would be no little mid for our Triad. I did it for her. I did it for Derala.

I am not just Odeen made hard, I am not just the Super-Rational he -- no, I! once thought the Hard Ones to be. I am Dua, and I remember what injustice feels like. I am Tritt, and I'll do anything I have to for my little mid, and all those like her. I am Odeen, and I know what to do.

I will tell the others that I know what's caused the stability in the other universe, and that I know how to cause the same here with more energy production than the original project could have ever provided. I'll tell them that I'll only give them this if they agree to educate the most intelligent of the Emotionals. And I will **_not_** back down.

 **I am Estwald.**   


**Author's Note:**

> Comments also welcome at [kickair8p.dreamwidth.org/21118.html](http://kickair8p.dreamwidth.org/21118.html)


End file.
